The Curious Incident at Claridge's Read online

  ‘Apparently she accompanied Sir Seymour to Mayholme Manor …’

  ‘She told me she hadn’t intended to, but now she wanted to make sure he got to Mayholme Manor without a hitch. She suddenly felt extremely protective of him, she said. She didn’t want anything bad to happen to him … She said she wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if he had died.’

  There was a pause.

  Payne cleared his throat. ‘Well, it’s a perfectly plausible story. It explains why she looked guilty when she realized we had seen her, the Lady-of-Shalott expression, pallor and everything.’

  ‘Practically everything. Yes.’ Captain Jesty gazed at him. ‘But you still believe Sir Seymour might be dead?’

  ‘I am sure I am wrong. I have the Master’s word that Sir Seymour is alive and well. Sir Seymour ordered a full English breakfast this morning—’

  ‘Penelope mentioned the English breakfast!’ Jesty cried. ‘She said she phoned Sir Seymour this morning and he told her how much he had enjoyed it. It seems she did tell the truth after all!’

  ‘It seems she did. Unless she and the Master are in cahoots? The Master might be hiding the body—’ Payne broke off. ‘There I go again! I am worse than Antonia. Sorry, Jesty.’

  ‘Who’s Antonia? Your mistress?’

  ‘My wife. What bothers me is that I never managed to see Sir Seymour. I persuaded the Master to take me to his room, room number 33, but Sir Seymour wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the garden either—nor in the chapel. He wasn’t in the library or in the billiards room. We went round looking for him. I insisted, you see. Eventually we got to the salle de ciné. A film was in progress and there were at least a dozen old boys watching it. The Master didn’t turn on the lights, but he called out and asked if Sir Seymour was among the spectators. Well, Sir Seymour appeared to be there—’

  ‘What d’you mean, appeared? He either was there or he wasn’t!’

  ‘The Master didn’t turn on the lights, so I couldn’t see much. We heard somebody—an old buffer’s voice—rasp out in an irritated manner that he was there. What did we want? Couldn’t we bloody well see he was watching a film? Didn’t the Master know how annoying it was to be disturbed? At which the Master, in a fluster, apologized and we went out.’

  ‘You think the old buffer who spoke to you in the salle de ciné was not Sir Seymour? You think Sir Seymour might have been poisoned after all? You think he died last night and that for some mysterious reason the Master is concealing his death? You suspect some kind of a cover-up?’

  ‘Golly, it sounds even more ridiculous when somebody else says it,’ Payne said.

  17

  Prelude to Murder

  A ringing sound came from inside Captain Jesty’s pocket.

  ‘Sorry, Payne.’ Jesty produced his mobile, looked down at the number and murmured, ‘No idea who that is. Hello? It’s Jesty speaking. Yes? Who is that?’

  The next moment his lips parted and a light sprang up in his eyes. At the same time his face turned paler. He looked incredulous—delighted. ‘Pe—?’ He broke off.

  Payne leant slightly forward and whispered, ‘Is it—her?’

  How very interesting if it was her. Had she changed her mind? Penelope, the pulchritudinous poisoner by proxy …

  Only it wasn’t her. Jesty shook his head. The light in his eyes died to be replaced by an expression of crushing disappointment.

  ‘Petunia, my darling—this is a surprise! It’s been ages. I thought you’d forgotten me. No, not feeling awfully chipper at the moment. I am with one of my chums, actually, having a little drinkie,’ Jesty croaked. He is making a brave effort to sound breezy, Payne thought. ‘No, not a woman, darling—quite the reverse. One of my fellow soldiers. Where have you been, Pill? Oh yes. I do apologize for what happened last time. I was an absolute beast, wasn’t I? Mea culpa, darling. I stand corrected—’

  Jesty was going through the motions, and only a very careful observer would have realized that his heart was not in it.

  ‘So sweet of you, Pill. I would love to come and visit you sometime. Towards the end of the week perhaps? Tonight? Getting a bit late, isn’t it?’ Jesty stole a glance at his watch and grimaced at Payne. ‘A bit late for fun, don’t you think? You need your beauty sleep, darling? Don’t you?’

  Payne gave a rueful smile. Poor blighter. How often do we get what we really want? Ah, the delusions of love, or what passes for love …

  ‘As it turned out, it wasn’t Penelope but one of the discarded lady friends. Poor chap. He said that for a wild moment he’d imagined it was Penelope. The lady’s name was Petunia Luscombe-Lunt. Quite a mouthful. Jesty said he found double-barrelled names something of a turn-off. Same first syllable as in “Penelope”. Jesty called that a “particularly cruel joke”. He kept addressing her as “Pill”.’

  ‘Not terribly flattering,’ observed Antonia.

  ‘Pill apparently likes being addressed as “Pill”. She regards it as proof of affection, or so Jesty told me. Pill is an unhappily married woman of a certain age. She has been separated from her husband for some time. She has a smart flat in South Kensington and the dubious distinction of being Jesty’s oldest squeeze.’

  ‘He accepted her invitation and went to see her?’

  ‘He did, in the end. Not terribly enthusiastically, I must say. He explained he was doing it exclusively for old times’ sake. He was feeling so low and miserable, he said, he couldn’t afford to be unkind to anyone, least of all his oldest girlfriend. He’d started trying to be funny once more, which one must take as a good sign. Suggested he might have started recovering.’

  ‘You were never worried he might do something silly?’

  ‘Shoot himself with his army revolver, you mean? It did cross my mind, but no, I can’t imagine this particular lovelorn Lothario blowing his brains out with his old army revolver. Still, I am glad he accepted Mrs Luscombe-Lunt’s invitation. He needed a distraction.’

  ‘Do drink your cocoa,’ Antonia urged.

  Payne took a sip, then yawned prodigiously. ‘Gosh, I am tired. Is it only midnight? I thought it was at least three in the morning. It’s been such a long day. I must have driven like mad.’

  ‘Where is your bowler?’

  ‘Gosh—no idea. Perhaps it’s in the car? Hope I didn’t leave it in the pub. It would be a bore if I had to phone them and make inquiries.’

  ‘No one would want to steal a bowler. You started telling me about Bettina Tradescant.’

  ‘Oh yes. I thought there was something very fishy about the fashionista. It is my belief Bettina had been inside her brother’s room. She wouldn’t have known the radiator in his room was the colour of sealing wax otherwise,’ Payne explained. ‘None of the other radiators at Mayholme Manor is that particular colour. The Master said so and he should know. When she talked to me, Bettina insisted she hadn’t been allowed to go to her brother’s room, but I am sure now that was a lie.’

  ‘How did she know where her brother’s room was?’

  ‘Perhaps Penelope told her? 33 is an easy enough number to remember. Or she might have bribed one of the stewards. She had a row with the Master, but that must have been later. Now, why didn’t she want to admit she had been to her brother’s room?’

  ‘The obvious conclusion is that she felt guilty about something she did there. She couldn’t have killed her brother, could she?’

  ‘She might have, but then what did she do with the body?’ Payne took another sip of cocoa. ‘I suppose someone could have helped her. One of the stewards?’

  ‘Or the Master?’

  ‘Or, as you say, the Master. We keep going back to the Master, don’t we? We don’t trust the Master. In my opinion the Master is a highly dubious character. His beard is groomed to a point. I suppose the row between him and Bettina could have been staged …’

  ‘You said she was in an agitated state.’

  ‘She might have been pretending. She was very pleasant to me, I must say. She wore a wig that was as bl
ack and lustrous as a new piano. She kept pulling her ring up and down her finger.’ Payne frowned, remembering Bettina’s sluggishly furtive eyes. ‘She said she was sure her brother was dead. They are twins, you see.’

  Antonia stared. ‘Are they?’

  ‘I thought you’d be interested. She told me that she always knew when something awful happened to her brother. She has the telepathy twin thing, or so she claims.’

  ‘Are they identical?’

  ‘Uncannily similar. When I bumped into her, I had the strangest notion that I was seeing Sir Seymour in drag. Perhaps that was Sir Seymour in drag? I thought her voice rather masculine. Mightn’t Sir Seymour have disguised himself as his sister? That would explain his mysterious disappearance from Mayholme Manor. Just an idea.’

  ‘You suspect that was not really him in the salle de ciné?’

  ‘I have no incontrovertible evidence that he was there, my love. Any old duffer in a darkened room could claim to be another old duffer.’

  ‘Could that particular old duffer have been one of Sir Seymour’s accomplices? Sir Seymour might have asked someone to stand in for him … That’s the kind of thing one could always get away with in a book,’ Antonia said wearily. ‘But why should Sir Seymour want to leave Mayholme Manor dressed up as his sister?’

  ‘He might have decided to disappear in order to become a tramp. Apparently Sir Seymour entertained the not entirely rational notion that only as a tramp could one achieve ultimate freedom. He talked to the Master about it. He rhapsodized about life in a cardboard box under a bridge. He might also have wanted to make it look as though his sister had something to do with his disappearance, out of revenge. They hate each other’s guts, the Master hinted as much.’

  ‘In that case there will be no body …’

  Payne gave a portentous nod. ‘Twould make a man drink himself dead on gin-toddy—to have neither a corpus delicti nor a body.’

  18

  The Water’s Lovely

  It was the following morning.

  Waking up in his bed at Mayholme Manor, Sir Seymour Tradescant grimaced with distaste. He had had a dream, in which his sister Bettina appeared, looking piteous and strangely diminished, her face uncharacteristically free of make-up, a mirror image of his own. Bettina stood beside his bed and held up her hands above her head in some kind of bizarre salutation, the wrists crossed. It had taken him a moment to realize that she had handcuffs on. No ordinary handcuffs, but rather dainty ones, made of fine gold and platinum and encrusted with diamonds. ‘The latest fashion accessory,’ Bettina informed him. ‘Everybody who is somebody has them.’ Then, for some reason, she became upset, started sobbing and covered her face with her manacled hands, but he knew she was only pretending—he saw her sly eyes peeping through her fingers.

  Sir Seymour felt strangely unsettled by the dream. As it happened, his sister had been very much on his mind. He knew not only that she had come to Mayholme Manor the day before, but that she had been in his room. Nobody had said a word about it, but he found her velvet glove embroidered with roses, with her initials on the hem, on the floor beside his bed. (He’d pushed the glove under his pillow. Could that be the reason for the dream? Didn’t old maids put pieces of wedding cake under their pillows in the hope it would make them see their future husband in a dream?)

  The illuminated face of the little leather travel clock on his bedside table told him it was twenty minutes past seven. It felt much earlier. It was dark in the room and no matter how he strained his ears, he could hear nothing but silence, the kind of silence described as ‘deafening’ or more commonly as ‘dead’. A bit eerie. Could he have died in his sleep and been transported to some kind of parallel universe—?

  Poppycock. Why did he keep harping on death? He wondered if he was perhaps mortally ill, without realizing it, but thought it unlikely. His big toe was fine now. No more pain. Well, he felt a little off colour, that was all. Nothing to make a song and dance about. He always felt off colour in the morning. What was it he had for dinner last night? Quails roasted in a wrap of vine leaves, the blood still oozing from them when cut? Yes. That’s what must have given him indigestion. Perhaps he should have followed Henley’s advice and chosen something lighter? Oh well, too late now.

  That young chap, Mowbray’s son, what was his name—Vic? Was he after Penelope? The way he’d kept coming to Half Moon Street. Always there, at one time, not saying much, making sheep’s eyes at Penelope. Got on his nerves! Sir Seymour shook his head. Young wife—he shouldn’t have got himself a young wife—always some kind of trouble—he should have known he’d reap eternal rue! Well, now that his mother was dead, there’d be no reason and certainly no excuse for Vic Mowbray to be at the house—

  Why was he thinking about Vic Mowbray now? What he needed most of all at his time of life was tranquillity. He should endeavour to avoid any kind of worry. That was the way to live to a hundred. What was that joke Mr Lovell had made? Down with Methuselah! Frightfully funny.

  Sir Seymour struggled up and turned on his bedside light. He would sit and wait for the steward to draw the curtains. He didn’t feel like leaving his bed, not yet. The steward should be bringing his tea any minute now. Tea and paper-thin buttered toast. He didn’t like the idea of his bare feet touching the floor. Bettina might have left something in his room—a venomous snake or a poisonous spider or the giant rat of Sumatra—he wouldn’t put anything past her. She was unpredictable, mad. After his money, like all of them.

  Reaching out for the little porcelain dish that stood beside the clock, Sir Seymour picked up his ring and put on his glasses. Once more he tried to put the ring on his finger and failed. Same as last night, dammit. There had been no problem putting on his ring the day before. He flexed his fingers and peered down at them. They neither felt nor looked swollen, but they must be—otherwise why couldn’t his ring be fitted on his finger? The band couldn’t have shrunk, could it? Ridiculous. His fingers did look a bit swollen, as a matter of fact. Was it his heart—his blood pressure? Perhaps he could have a word with Henley, though Henley wasn’t exactly a picture of health himself. So fat!

  Sir Seymour’s eyes remained fixed on the ring. The diamonds sparkled in the lamplight—an illusion of bursting rays—like a shimmering fireworks display. The ring had once belonged to the Duchess of Windsor. A Bond Street jeweller had estimated it was worth at least a million in today’s money. Sir Seymour’s father had been quite secretive about how he’d come to be in possession of the ring. There was some mystery attached to it. Had Papa perhaps stolen the ring from the Duchess?

  Was it his fancy or did the diamonds really look dimmer than he remembered them—a little on the dull side? The diamonds appeared to have lost their sheen. Was that possible? Like flowers that fade overnight. No—that sort of thing didn’t happen to good diamonds. Perhaps there was something wrong with his eyes? He might need new glasses. He wasn’t heading for a stroke, was he? Were the first tentacles of Alzheimer’s already spreading paranoia and confusion through his brain? Must have a word with Henley. Damned nuisance. He felt … well, strange … Not himself … That bloody dream!

  The Master hadn’t mentioned Bettina’s visit. Maybe he wasn’t aware of it, though the stewards were obliged to report all visitors to him. Or perhaps the dear fellow didn’t want to worry him? The Master had been extremely concerned when he heard about Sir Seymour’s swollen fingers. He had wanted to call Dr Henley at once, but Sir Seymour had assured him there was no real need for it. The Master was the only person who genuinely cared for him!

  The night before, in the course of their after-dinner chat, Sir Seymour had been so moved by the Master’s concern that he’d hinted at the ‘personal consideration’ he was leaving him in his will. He had actually named the sum. The Master had inclined his head and his silver beard had bobbed up and down. The Master had been overcome with emotion. Sir Seymour had an idea the Master might be experiencing financial difficulties. He had seen a racing paper on the Master’s desk once a
nd on another occasion had surprised him on the blower, placing a bet on Amber Arab. Sir Seymour had been surprised. The Master didn’t look like a betting man, but there it was.

  Everything else—all his earthly riches—he would leave to Mayholme Manor. He’d meant what he’d said. All he needed to do was pick up the blower and contact Saunders, his solicitor. Money? Why was everybody so fond of money? Bettina kept pestering him for money for some tomfool magazine venture of hers. She expected him to cough up half a million at least. She seemed to believe he could produce banknotes out of a top-hat, like in one of those conjuring tricks, wad after wad after wad—

  Sir Seymour started up as he saw a shadowy figure in an orange habit walking towards him. He hadn’t heard the door open. Like cats, these fellows. Though this one was more like a rabbit. Like a white rabbit. Sir Seymour peered above his reading glasses. ‘You are not Travis, are you?’

  ‘My name is Madden, sir. Your early morning tea, Sir Seymour.’

  ‘Don’t think I’ve seen you before.’

  ‘No, sir. I am new.’

  ‘Do the curtains, would you? Don’t stand there, staring. What’s the weather like?’

  ‘I am afraid it is rather cloudy, sir.’

  ‘Nothing to be afraid of.’ Sir Seymour raised the cup of tea to his lips. ‘Not your fault.’

  ‘Is the tea to your satisfaction, sir?’

  ‘Just the right strength.’

  ‘And the toast?’

  ‘Done to perfection. Thank you, Madden.’

  ‘Thank you, sir. Would that be all, sir?’